FUCKING HAPPINESS GOD DAMN

GOD DAMN. Why can’t love be how it is in the god damn movies? Why does it have to hurt you so much?  I sit here and see you falling apart and I’m am putting all of me into helping and fixing you, when the me that was almost fixed is falling apart again.  I can feel myself slipping back into the pain and slipping back into the need to feel bad about everything and unlike you I don’t want to be sad I want to be happy and be okay.  I want to be alright I want to fucking be HAPPY and I can not do that when everything I do for you tears me apart and sends me another step back into depression.  Being sad and hurting like that almost killed me so many times and if I go back to feeling like that there is no telling what will happen.  I know I am not as strong as I was the first time.  I just wanna fall in love with someone happy and someone who makes things better not worse.  Can not believe I’m going to say this and I probably shouldn’t but whatever.  If I had know up front about your depression I do not think I would have dated you, two broken people don’t make one healed one they just make two broken ones pieces mixed up and unsure of who’s are who’s then when they try to put themselves back together fail.   That honestly has to be one of the most selfish things I have ever said because that was terrible of me and I am going to act like you can’t read what is under the crossed out part so I feel a little better about what I said.  I just wanna be happy and being with someone who isn’t and isn’t trying to be is not a good thing for me.  I just want to break up with you but I know if I do it will tear you apart even more and I know if I don’t it will tear me apart.  It is a lose lose situation and I need help.  PLEASE HELP?!?! What am I supposed to do?

Annoyed.

The fact you sold out three times in this town in the past 6 months shows how dedicated your fans are. Especially when they wait outside in 35 degree weather to see you after the concert and you blow us off and don’t even say hi. Like yes I know you’re tired from performing I get it but we waited for an hour and you ran away from us like little pussies. Say hi or thank you we love our fans like say something. Don’t be rude dicks to people who look up to you. I heard one girl say your album saved my life and if she ment she was suicidal and you helped her you could have said something like fuck you. I still love your sexiness but the fact you’re a dick ruined it for me. Oh and does anyone know what the do with the people who crowd surf?? I really wanna know cause the security guards like carried them somewhere when they got to the front … So I wanna know where they went.

Stressed.

So it’s been over a month since I posted anything and I start writing something distracts me and makes me stop so I have so many posts that I’ve started and never finished. Yes I could just go finish one of them but I’m never gonna feel exactly how I felt when I was writing the first part so that’s why I’m starting a new one.
I’ve been so busy and so much has been happening. I should probably find some cool way to say everything but nah I’m not that cool. So first I’ve been so busy like I haven’t had a day off in I don’t know how long .. Or a good nights sleep … Or a actual meal. I’m currently on a bus on my way to another game 13th straight day of cheer. Which yes I should be happy that the freshman team is in the playoffs for the first time ever but I definitely just want this season to be over, it’s been dragged on for so long. And completion was fun at the competitions but it was so much work I just feel mentally and physically drained. Like past the point of return. I had sex and although it was the worst thing ever it brought me and the person I love closer together it was terrible. I though it was gonna be this wonderful fun hot thing but it was horrible. Things are all messed up down there now then I went to the doctor and got on birth control and my mom literally can’t not give me a dirty look like she thinks I’m some dirty hoe. Even though she’s not completely sure we are she knows and I hate my self for it. School has been terrible and hard and same with friendships. It seems like everything is going wrong and terrible. My sister is back and is playing a big role in my brothers life but hasn’t even tried to reach out to me and it’s killing me. I know that if I didn’t stalk her it would maybe be better but I just have to see what she’s doing and see if she’s maybe wants to talk to me. Depression is just over taking my body and I have nothing to defend my self with. I just have to shit here and let it destroy me. So I guess that’s not really that much stuff but I guess just since it’s all been at one time it seems like so much more. I don’t really know what to do about it. Spring breaks in 25 days and it’s even sooner for me because I will be leaving 2 days early to go to Florida with my best friend. Can not wait for Disney world! But I know have to get up and cheer my last drawn out freshman basketball game. … BTW we won, first time the freshman team has every played in the tournament let alone won,  this is going to be a great 4 years of basketball.

Song of the week

One of my favorite songs for a really long time and I’ve recently been listening to it more and more.

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I Am Me But Have Kryptonite

Yes, I should be posting a quote today but today in English we had to write a poem and annotate song lyrics.  The song I chose was Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down which is an amazing song (no its not tomorrows song).  We had to do a {insert thing we did that I wasn’t smart enough to pay attention to the name of here} and you have to evaluate the blah blah blah I don’t feel like boring you with the same speeches my teachers give me but part of it was finding the theme you think.  The theme of this song is kinda negative in my point of view but the song is more up beat and sounds happy ish compared to most of there songs.  At least I think, but the theme I got from it was that the world is gonna keep spinning even if you like it or not and there’s nothing you can do about it, something that I added to this is you might as well just hop on and enjoy the ride because what other option is there? I think I’m starting to realize that yes I do not choose everything that happens in my life and sometimes(almost all the time) I don’t like it but it’s happening so I might as well make the best of it because in the long run dealing with this stuff might make the stuff I like and fought for even more worth it. 

My poem is kinda sad and I’m kinda questioning weather I should post it or not but I mean you only live once right so here it goes… 

I Am Me But the Same

I am me but the same

I wonder why I’m here

I hear the sounds of the world

I see the things everyone sees

I want to know how everything happened

I am me but the same

 

I pretend I’m okay

I feel like the world is eating me

I touch the sky

I worry about everything

I cry for my fears

 I am me but the same

 

I understand it all might make sense one day

I say I understand it now but I don’t

I dream of how amazing everything could be

I try to understand

I hope it will all

  Fall

          Into

                        Place

I am me but the same

We had a outline that we had to follow and I had no clue what to do for it so I started with something easy and then filled it in with the same sorta topic and tone to the first line I wrote, which now I obviously don’t remember.. But I just made the whole thing really connect with me and how I was feeling at the time and how I normally feel.

Sisters by marriage, friends by love.

A big sister is supposed to be someone who is there for you and help you threw all the hard time and give you advice about everything you are going threw.  You walked out on me leaving me to deal with everything on my own. You make me grow up wondering what I could have done to make my sister hate me so much.  Mom says you just are a bitch and honestly you are if you thought leaving me with her and my dad knowing everything that is wrong with them, that was really smart of you, you are  honestly the dumbest person on earth. I think that since your moving back that you will come try to make up with me but what am I kidding you didn’t want me then you didn’t want me a couple years ago and you don’t want me now. I just keep getting my hopes up to be thrown flat on my face in the snow. Why do I think you would ever want me cause I know that you never have and never will.

You are always there for your “sisters” but how am I not your sisters, they are both your half sister just like me except you guys share the same dad and we share mom.  Sometimes I don’t even think my dad is my dad because I look so much like all of you and your dad and nothing like my dad or his family. I just want you to realize that I am your sister and you can’t just throw me out like an spoiled piece of bread I know my dad treated you guys horribly when you lived with him but how do you think he is treating me now ? Better than he treated you? Well nope not at all! and you just left me here to get hurt from him and mom and not have anyone to help me with it all.  I’m growing up all by my self and not knowing what I’m doing or what I’m supported to be doing.  You are supposed to be there for me to help me threw all of this and you aren’t you are off in some other state forgetting about me.  But now you’re moving back and you’re gonna have to deal with me and everything you’ve done.  I’m not just gonna forget about it all because what you did hurt me so much and so hard.  I don’t even know if I want a relationship with you because what if you just turned around and walked out on me again.  The title isn’t really truthful even though that’s what mom used to say, you are my sister by blood and suppoested to be my friend by love and choice but I mean what’s really the difference when you hate me with all your heart.

Xoxo bitch.

Song of the week

I love 80’s music and this song is one of my favorite songs from the 80’s because it tells you that things will get better but things have to get bad before they get better.  Kinda like saying there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.  Hope ya like it 🙂

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Quote of the week

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.
-Alex Tan

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Adventurous I guess

So my winter break my not have been exactly what I hoped it would be it was still great having some time off and some time to rest up for next semester.
Christmas was kinda weird this year and ya that’s what everyone is saying but that’s the truth. It didn’t feel like a time to be happy and joyful it felt like a time to be sad and mournful, though I don’t know what that mournful feeling was towards I know that, that’s what I was feeling. Even though I’ve lost all my religion I though that Christmas would still be fun and happy but it was just dull and weird

.New Years was honestly horrible. I spent it with the complete wrong people. I should have been spending it with the person I love but I was with some friends doing stupid shit. It didn’t even feel like it was New Years it just felt like another day, nothing special nothing different.

I’ve kinda wasted this break sitting around doing nothing or spending time with him which isn’t wasting time but it just feels different right now.  Our relationship feels like it’s falling apart and I’m really upset about this plus we are always fighting. But then I guess it’s just part of a relationship… Right?  I guess  I didn’t really waste my break but then I did.  I kinda organized myself and the stuff around me but then I really didn’t.  How was your break?

XOXO

Song of the week

This is one of my favorite songs right now ! I feel in love with it instantly when I heard it, I even put it on the mix tape for my boyfriend’s Christmas present. When I’m feeling down about him or like we’re falling apart this quickly brings me back and make me forget about those feelings of doubt. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do !

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